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Date:         Fri, 4 Mar 1994 06:52:14 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00008"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR008
========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 10:30:33 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      dangerfield jokes <adult themes>

"When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we
could, but he pulled through.'"

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only
liked me as a friend."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came
with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio."

==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 11:15:10 EDT
From:         Marty <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ultimate revenge (adult theme

One day a man returned home early from his golf game to find a strange car
in his driveway.  When he entered    the house, he discovered his wife in
bed with another fellow!  Outraged, the man grabbed the stranger, got him
in a headlock and dragged him out to the garage.  Inside the garage, the man
stuck the stranger's "manhood" in a vice and squeezed the vice tight!

"OH!!!  YOU'RE NOT GONNA CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!!!"  the stranger
screamed.
"No, YOU are," the man replied, "I'M gonna set the GARAGE on fire."
==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 13:23:27 EDT
From:         "John B. Harlow" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      St. Peter Story - PG

A man comes home suddenly from work and finds his wife in her negligee and
smells cigar smoke in his apartment. Suspecting infidelity he looks out the
window to see a man smoking a cigar exiting the building 10 floors below,
flies into a rage and picks up the refrigerator and hurls it out the
window.

The first to approach St. Peter is the irate husband who explains that he
"had a heart attack as a result of his wife's infideility" and is granted
entrance to heaven.

The second explains that he "had stopped at home on his way from the office
to a board meeting and the next thing he knew a refrigerator came flying
out of a tenth floor window and landed on his head" and is granted
entrance.

The third gentleman explains that he "doesn't know what happened, he was
just sitting in his girlfriend's regrigerator smoking a cigar..."
==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 12:40:40 CDT
From:         spencer cole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rednecks

Why does a redneck's eyes turn red when he's having sex?
From the Mace.
==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 14:11:00 EDT
From:         Charles Castelli <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Silly but not offensive

What did the man say after he ate the six-cylinder engine?

    [*slap on forehead*]

I coulda' had a V-8!

Did you hear the World War III joke?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?
==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 11:24:00 PST
From:         Tim Irwin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      license plates

Seen in Washington state

NOPCME         --urologist?

near Pacific Lutheran University

THX DAD
IOU MOM
2SING4U
==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 14:35:28 EST
From:         DEBBIE NELSON <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Misery is...(pg)

Misery is...

explaining the birds and bees to your young son and then overhearing
him tell the little girl next door, "guess what, you're going to have
a bee..."

not having any money when the representative comes to your house
selling Mafia cookies.

laughing at your husband because he can't get into his old army
uniform and then you can't get into your old maternity dress.

going on your honeymoon and having the motel employees toss a
"welcome back" party for your bride.

going to a temperance meeting and your breath sets off the sprinkler
system.

wearing a topless bathing suit and having a man walk up to you and
say: "nice day today, sir."

a girl asking if she can come up to your place and you still live
with your mother.

sneaking in your house at four in the morning and finding your wife
sneaking out.

bursting in on your wife in the arms of the milkman...when you owe
money to the cleaner.

finding out your daughter's screen test has just been sold as an Army
training film.

getting an acting role in "Peyton Place" and discovering it's the
part of a bedridden missionary.

putting on your underarm deodorant and it turns out to be your dog's
flea and tick spray.

going to a formal affair and having a mothball fall out of your pants.

climbing your daughter's jungle gym and having to call the fire
department to help you down.

buying a sports car and discovering that your bucket is bigger than
the seat bucket.

a girl asking you to accompany her to Niagara Falls for a big thrill
and then discovering she means going over it in a barrel.

an undertaker trying to look sad at a $5000 funeral.

going on your honeymoon and seeing your bride kneel beside the bed
and say, "now I lay me down to sleep."

going to a topless bar the same day you had your eyes dilated.

cooking an exotic French dish for five hours and then having your
husband put catsup on it.

being served with a paternity suit during your first speech as
president of the Planned Parenthood Association.

your secretary saying LBJ is on the telephone and then finding out
its the subscription department of the Louisiana Breeder's Journal.

your waist measurement keeping even with your age.

a mother-in-law who tries to commit suicide but fails...and runs up a
big gas bill.

kissing your wife good night and having her put your lip up in a hair
curler.

finding that your daughter is engaged to a man of the cloth and he
turns out to be the Imperial Eagle of the KKK.

going out with a sweater girl and discovering she's more sweater than
girl.

a sexy girl dropping her handkerchief and when you bend over to pick
it up your toupee falls off.

complimenting your boss's wife on her patterned stockings and finding
out she's not wearing stockings.

going to a costume ball as a bubble dancer and finding out your date
is going as a porcupine.

having your handsome boss ask you to work late at the office ... then
finding out he wants you to work late at the office.

finding out your wife received 312 valentines from the Tijuana Cab
Drivers Association.

when you ask your doctor if he can cure you and he asks to be paid in
advance.

chasing your secretary, then catching her and being too winded to do
anything about it.

learning the pitter patter of little feet around the house is because
your wife is seeing a midget.

finding out your daughter's boyfriend just bought an amplifier for
his guitar.

going to work and discovering you're wearing your seven-year-old
son's jockey shorts.

discovering your deodorant is giving you bad breath.

going up to the attic and reading your spouse's love letters and
seeing that they're all dated last week.

showing off in your new Cadillac and crashing into a Volkswagon
driven by your IRS agent.

having your wife hurt in a hunting accident because she looks so much
like a moose.

being invited to an American Legion stag film and finding out it's
the story of Bambi's father.

your beautiful blonde neighbor coming over to visit with a bottle of
booze ten minutes after you've taken two sleeping pills.

wearing a peek-a-boo dress to a party and getting more boos than
peeks.

spending weeks on a diet so you can look good in a bathing suit,
going for a swim, and having the lifeguard shout, "whale, ho".

having your wife scream so loud that she wants to live in a more
expensive apartment that your landlord comes up and raises the rent.
==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 15:12:00 -0500
From:         Eric Schmidt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Danny goes to Heaven...

        Now dear friends, when we die and appear before the Pearly Gates,
    we must pass a final test to gain passage to Eternity. This always has
    been, and always will be the case.
        In '55, when Albert Einstein died, he arrived at the Pearly Gates
    only to be asked to prove to Saint Peter that he was, in fact, Albert
    Einstein. Dr. Einstein goes into a long and involved discussion about
    physics and relativity. Suddenly a voice cried out, "Welcome Dr.
    Einstein. Come right in".
        In '68, when Martin Luther King was killed, he arrived at the
    Gates. Saint Peter looked at him and asked him to prove that he was, in
    fact, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Dr. King proceded to deliver a speech
    on civil rights that was moving and convincing. Suddenly a voice cried
    "Welcome Dr. King. Come right in."
        Then, in a tragic car accident, Dan Quayle was killed. When he
    arrived at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said, "You must now prove you
    are who you say you are".
        Quayle gets real indignant and says, "Whtta ya mean I gotta prove
    who I am...I'm Dan Quayle, former Vice President of the United States!"
    Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry, but those are the rules. Even people
    like Albert Einstein and Martin Luther King had to do this."
        Quayle cocks his head to the side and says, "Albert Einstien and
    Martin Luther King? Who are they?". Suddenly a voice said, "Welcome Mr.
    Vice President. Come right in."

    Just think, for four years that man was 9mm from the Oval
    Office.<Shiver...Shiver>

    E. Schmidt
    [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 16:55:29 EDT
From:         Karsten Davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Branch Davidians

Q. How many Branch Davidians can fit into a Cadillac?

A. Three in the front seat, three in the back seat, and 44 in the ashtray.
==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 16:49:27 CDT
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      More Branch Davidians...

Q: How do you pick up a Branch Dividian Woman?

A: With a dustbuster

Q: Did you hear who quit smoking last week?

A: David Koresh

Q: Did you hear Jeffery Domer escaped?

A: He was last seen heading to Waco with a bottle of Bar-B-Q sauce.

Totally unrelated....

Q: Did you here there is a new Rodney King hotline?

A: 1-800-421-####



 BK Rogers                  Phillips Petroleum Company
 [phone]             Bartlesville, OK  74004
 Internet [e-mail]      Compuserv 75140,2366

Another fine product from Gizmonic....
==========
Date:         Wed, 5 May 1993 20:37:42 EST
From:         Herman Archie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      JOKING IN THE '90 's.

What is the difference between an alcoholic & a drunk?

An alcoholic has to go to those damn meetings.

What is the difference between a cat and a frog?

The cat has only 9 lives; a frog croaks every minute.
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 08:25:00 CST
From:         "Paul E. Gray" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Classroom humor...PG13.4...only idiots will be upset

   Teaching an 8:00AM class requires inspiration,
especially when one or more students consistently
have difficulty getting out of bed and getting to
class on time.
   Fall Semester was no exception. I listened
repeatedly to the explanation by one young man,
"But snoozing after shutting off the alarm causes
me to be late." An unacceptable excuse, in my
opinion.
   I suggested experimentation with a new version
of the alarm clock: a simple device--a piece of
string, one end of which is attached to a rock. The
other end is tied to the most prized part of his
body, with the directive that at the same time he
reachs to turn the alarm off, he should throw the
rock across the room. This would insure his on-time
arrival to class.
   The class accepted the new invention, and
tardiness diminished. But in two weeks the same
young man was late again. When queried, he smiled
and replied, "The string slipped off." The class
roared and I, being inspired, returned to lecturing
as to how convolution is used to introduce the idea
of the network transfer function.

        Paul Gray, SHORT CIRCUIT GROUP
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 11:01:26 EST
From:         DEBBIE NELSON <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Stress

                   HOW TO HANDLE STRESS

 - Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
 - Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
 - Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
 - When someone says "Have a good day!", tell them that you have
   other plans.
 - Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
 - Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a "candygram."
 - Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
 - Dance naked in front of your pets.
 - Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to
   pre-school
   as if nothing's wrong.
 - Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman
   Numerals.
 - Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
 - Tape pictures of your boss on watermellons and pumpkins and launch
   them from high places.
 - Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the
   natives.
 - Go shopping.  Buy everything.  Sweat in it.  Return it the next
   day.
 - Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss'
   significant other.
 - Pay your electric bill in pennies.
 - Drive to work in reverse.
 - Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The
   Flintstones" during that important finance meeting.
 - Refresh yourself: put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
 - Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it out.
 - Polish your car with ear wax.
 - Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
 - Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes
   back to your.
 - Bill your doctor for the time spent in the waiting room.
 - Braid the hair in each nostril.
 - Write a short story, using Alphabet Soup.
 - Lie on your back eating celery...using your navel as a salt dipper.
 - Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in
   jail.
 - Make up a language and ask for directions.
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 11:53:08 -0500
From:         Jenny Jacobson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Late Student

This actually happened when I was a student in Computer Science.

This class was Compiler Theory.  It was hard to understand the material.
And the professor was a foreign person affectionately called Allie.
He'd come to class and would lecture off the top of his head.
It was frustrating to listen in class to words that didn't make any
sense -- Allie's lectures contained much computer terminology with
a foreign accent.

One day, Allie opened the early morning class talking about his boyhood.
He said that in his country, they opened each school day with prayer.
Allie asked if we would like to hear these prayers.  Of course we
said yes and attentively listened - to show reverence and respect.

During Allie's recitation of Arabic/Hindu (?) prayers, in walks David -
late to class.  Seeing that everyone was quiet and glued to Allie's
every word, he quietly took his seat.  When Allie finished, he smiled
and was about to ask David a question.  David responded, "We must have
started a new chapter."  (laughter).

Jenny Jacobson
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 14:09:20 EDT
From:         "Christine M. Chiesa" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Light Bulbs & Men

Q:  How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  One.  Men will screw anything.
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 13:50:23 CDT
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Top 10

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

1.      Dogs are ready to go out when you are
2.      Dogs will sleep on the floor beside the bed
3.      Dogs don't ask to borrow the bathroom and spend the rest of
        the day in there.
4.      Dogs don't know what a credit card is.
5.      Dogs can pee on walls.
6.      Dogs only have "that time" twice a year
7.      You can train a dog by hitting it across the nose with a
        newspaper.
8.      Dogs don't care if you fart.
9.      Dogs don't lie about how much they weigh
10.     When you stay out late and bring the dog a bone...it's happy
11.     You can reason with your dog all month long (see 6)
12.     Dogs only need to use the bathroom twice a day
13.     Two dogs will sleep with you at once.
14.     Dogs will wear collars with fake diamonds.
15.     Dogs will like your friends.

To the women out there already putting fingers to the
keyboard...please do not send the old pickle and beer lists.  We have
already seen them.

 BK Rogers                  Phillips Petroleum Company
 [phone]             Bartlesville, OK  74004
 Internet [e-mail]      Compuserv 75140,2366

Another fine product from Gizmonic....
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 14:28:01 CST
From:         Gregory Warner <[e-mail]>
Subject:      dog-vs-fox  pg

  Q.  Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?

  A.  About six beers!

G-WARN  Gregory J Warner
Operations Analyst
bitnet: G-Warn@uminn1
internet:[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 15:53:42 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Computer Jokes - G

Q:  What do you get when you cross Lee Iaccoca with a vampire?

A:  An autoexec bat

==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 13:58:00 -0500
From:         Eric Schmidt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Any colloquialisms out there?

        'Wonder if anybody might have some of these to pass on?

    "That boy's about one taco shy of the combination platter."
    "  "   "    about a bubble of bead"
    "  "   "    about two bricks shy of a load"
    "  "   "    elevator don't reach the top floor"
    "  "   "    mind's about as straight as the Burma Road"
    "  "   "    about as funny as a turd in a punch bowl"
    Etc...etc...most of these are pretty old or dumb, but y'all might have
    some that are fresher and funnier. I do like the one about the taco
    though.

        By the way...

    Q: What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?

    A: A Methodist will speak to you in the liquor store.

    *I'm a Protestant too, so please, no flames this time*

    E. Schmidt
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 23:00:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Any colloquialisms out there?

My favorite is "...one six-pack shy of a case."

Shirl
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 18:19:33 EST
From:         Tracey Owens <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dumb Men Jokes

This appeared in the August 10, 1992 issue of Newsweek:

                        Just Deserts

Now, in this year of the woman, come Dumb Man jokes -- a fax sheet
circulating among femal members of Congrees bears the following
examples:

* What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds Mature

* How do you force a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his legs.

*What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack.

*Why is it a good thing there are female astronauts?

So someone will ask directions if the crew gets lost in space.

* What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 20:08:00 EDT
From:         Mark O'Marra <[e-mail]>

Q. What do you call two skunks doing a 69??

A. odor eaters

A husband decides to take a vacation to florida without his wife. While
walking on the beach on day he stumbles upon an old "oil lamp", and
while rubbing off the sand  POOF this jennie pops out from nowhere.
The jennie takes one look at the guy and says " You're married aren't
you?" the husband replies "yes". the jennie being domestically in the
90's says " Ok I'll grant you 3 wishes BUT, your wife gets DOUBLE
what you wish for". So the married guys' first wish is: " One million
dollars in cash" and POOF right their on the beach One million dollars
appears from nowhere! and at that instant, you guessed it, back home
Two million dollars appears out of nowhere on the kitchen floor to his
wife's amazement. So the guys' second wish: " to be surrounded by 8
gorgeous women at all times". And POOF on the beach appear 8 gorgeous
women in bathing suits. and at that instant, did you guess it? 16
handsome men appear from nowhere wearing nothing but skimpy bathing
suits standing their in the kitchen with 2 million dollars in cash and
the guys' wife in total dis-belief. so the jennie says this is your
final wish so choose carefully, so the guy the thinks carefully and
says " Jennie I wish you would 1/2 beat me to death". ha! HA!

Mark O'Marra
Ferris state university
sunny and 80 degrees
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 20:12:13 -0400
From:         Ethan King <[e-mail]>
Subject:      license plates

   4 NIK 8    --  a nymphomaniac's license plate

   NE1 469    --  a despirate nymphomaniac's license plate

{--- HINT --- NE1 is one word  &  469 is two words ----}
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 21:11:51 EDT
From:         Scuzball Hacker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      colloquialisms..hmmmm How bout this?

How bout these?

   "That women is as tight as a crabs hind end, and that's waterproof."

======
The Scuzball Hacker
BitNET: F001@FERRIS
Computer Information System Major
SysOp of Ferris State's CISA BBS
Co-SysOp of Tornado Alley BBS
             [phone]
======
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 21:29:00 CST
From:         Katie Buller <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Waco joke

David Koresh's last words:  "Make that a BUD light!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 6 May 1993 23:30:22 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      chiste cubano (One obscenity)

This came in a Puerto Rican List.  Let's see just how international this
list is.  The joke has one obscene word in it.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 15:58:42 EDT
From: Javier Santos <[e-mail]>
To: Multiple recipients of list BORIKEN
<[e-mail]>
Subject: chiste cubano

Aunque no lo crean Fidel Castro se escapo una vez a Puerto Rico para
comprobar si era verdad que en el Restaurante "El Jibaro" se hacian las
mejores gallinas cubanas. Al entrar al restaurante pidio un plato de
asopao de gallina. No podia creer a su paladar. Pidio otro, y al
terminarlo otro. "Tengo que admitirlo", dijo Fidel,"son las mejores
gallinas cubanas que he comido. Son importadas de Cuba?" Le pregunta
Fidel al cocinero. "Me temo que no", responde el cocinero, "pero le
aseguro que son gallinas cubanas". "Como es eso? Te ordeno que me lo
pruebes ahora mismo", responde Fidel con tono mandon. "OK", dice el
cocinero, "acompan~eme a la parte de atras. Usted ve esas gallinas que
estan hay comiendo maiz; esa son las puertorriquen~as." "Y las cubanas?"
Pregunta Fidel". "De verdad que quiere saber:, dice el cocinero."Son las
que estan en aquella esquina comiendo mierda".
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 00:44:40 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Smart aleck questions <kids use most of these>

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

Answer:  At the bottom of the paper.

Why do they bury a man on the side of a hill?

Answer:  Because he's dead.

What does a cat have that no other animal can have?

Answer:  Kittens.

How many dead people are in a cementery?

Answer:  All of them.

If you are driving a bus with five people in it, and at the first
stop two get on, and one gets off, at the next stop three people
get on and one gets off, and on the last stop three get off and one
gets on--what is the driver's name?

Answer:  If you are driving, . . . .

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA (uga.cc.uga.edu)
==============
 Nomral commands should be sent to LISTSERV@UGA (uga.cc.uga.edu). To
 request special assistance mail to the listowner. Contributions of
 humor should be sent to HUMOR@UGA. To control your mail send
 LISTSERV@UGA the command SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you
want to
 subscribe; SET HUMOR DIGEST if you only want to receive mail once a
 day; SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you need a timeout or if you prefer to access
 access HUMOR by downloading archived files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to
 to leave the list. HUMOR is archieved in 3000 line files; to get the
 log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA.
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 12:15:55 +0200
From:         "P. Molijn - S Soerjoesing"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      three wishes

a men was stranded on an island and he looked around and you know what he
found
a magic bottle(yes no lamp)
he opened it so a geenie flew out and said you can have three wishes
so he made the first:"i want food to last a life time"
poof
"i want another beautiful women every day"
poof
"i want a easy life for eternity"
poof
and he looked around : he was at home sitting in his chair with his loving
wife beside him
she changed her face every day like he requested
(ok ok throw the tomatoes please)
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 08:18:42 -0400
From:         Julie Mangin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Colloquialisms

Some construction worker colloquialisms referring to someone stupid or not
in their right mind:

"He's half a bubble out."  (Think about a carpenter's level.)

"He's a half turn over torque."  (The opposite of having a screw loose.)
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 09:24:47 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Any colloquialisms out there?

Some of my favorites from the Warner Bros./Merrie Melodies series (from
Foghorn Leghorn, to be precise):

That boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball.

If that boy don't stop talkin' so much, he's liable to get his tongue
sunburned.

---------

From someone who "keeps his feathers numbered for, for just such an
emergency."
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 09:39:00 -0500
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Colloquialisms Continued

Hey, on the subject of Warner Bros.:

"Nice boy, I say, nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice"
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 09:35:31 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dangerfield jokes <some adult themes; language clean>

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next
Tuesday."

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle
my bag. He felt up my wife!"

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!"

"My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs
bed. Actually she did put the mirror over our bed, too. She
says she likes to watch herself laugh."

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she
used me to time an egg."

==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 09:45:57 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dumb definitions

What's the definition of bread?

Raw toast

What's the definition of an ashtray?

A device to put ashes in if a room doesn't have a floor

What's the definition of an alarm clock?

A device to wake up people who don't have small children

    Anyone else got some?
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 08:54:02 CST
From:         "Terry D. Mathias" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Colloquialisms

 . . . 16 ozs. short of a pint!

 . . .  4 slices short of a loaf

 . . .  1 basket shy of a picnic

 . . .  elevator doesn't go to the penthouse

 . . .  escalator doesn't get to the second floor

 . . .  one chapter shy of a thesis

 . . .  one day shy of a week

 . . .  two digits short of a phone number  (also,  "three digits...")

 . . .  one finger shy of a handful
_______________________________
Terry Mathias, Univ. Relations
S. Illinois Univ. at Carbondale
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 09:59:12 -0400
From:         Pamela Bigus <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Colloquialisms/Similes

"Meaner'n panther piss"

"He couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight"

"Dumber than a box of rocks"

About someone ugly:
 "Her face and a quart of buttermilk could sprag (stop dead) lightning"

About someone who talks too much:
 "His tongue flaps like a board in a goose's behind"
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 10:42:00 EDT
From:         Harry Weis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      colloquialisms/similes cont.

You're about as useful as....

        ...a screen door in a submarine

        ...a mailbox in a graveyard
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 10:52:00 EDT
From:         Harry Weis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      stupid stuff

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
                                      (source unknown)

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
                                      (Marx Brothers movie?)

You would drown in the sea of my indifference.

There has not yet been invented a machine that could measure my indifference
to your last statement.
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 11:05:55 [phone]
From:         Micah Brandon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Computer Jokes - G
              Thompson" at May 6, 93 03:53:42 pm

        Two more computer related jokes...tell me if you like them.

Seen as a tagline:  Choosy perverts choose .GIF!

Seen in a computer book somewhere:  Why do programmers get Halloween and

                                    Christmas confused?  Because Oct 31
                                    equals Dec 25.
                                    (...think octal and decimal for those
                                        having trouble getting it...)

--
Micah Brandon
Fordham University - Bronx, NY
Comp Sci Senior/Sys Admin RS6000
Internet: [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 11:18:48 -0500
From:         FILM/VIDEO RESOURCE CENTER
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Parking too close sign <looking for one>

I know that some of you have heard of these but I am looking for signs to put
on other people's cars when you come out and the idiot parks too close for you
to open your door.  I've seen one years ago that had a picture of Mickey Mouse

with his middle finger up stating:

        Thanks for parking so close.
        Next time, why don't you leave me a f___ing can opener so I can flip
off the hood of my car  (or something like that).

Please reply to this list or my account.  Thanks for the help (I can't stand
letting these people get away with doing those idiotic stunts).

Michael Kramer
E780VID@TOWSONVX  or
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 16:17:19 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      mildly anti-male, mildly funny joke

Two female friends were talking;
One had recently gotten married, and was trying to persuade her friend,
who was beautiful, intelligent, and altogether eligible, but very
independent, that marriage was a good idea.
"Look", said the latter, finally, somewhat exasperated: "I have a dog
that barks, a parrot that swears, and a cat that stays out all night;
what do I need a husband for?"
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 10:25:05 CDT
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Re: Parking too close sign <looking for one>

Leave this on their car handwritten...

I am really sorry about hitting your car.
The people watching me now think I am
leaving my name and address, but I am not
Once again, I am really sorry.

 BK Rogers                  Phillips Petroleum Company
 [phone]             Bartlesville, OK  74004
 Internet [e-mail]      Compuserv 75140,2366

Another fine product from Gizmonic....
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 16:35:41 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      two old, religious jokes, not really offensive

A little black boy was standing outside an all-whites church in
{.........}
sobbing his heart out, when along came Jesus;
"Whats the problem, little brother?"
"Why, they won't let me in sir" *SNIFF*
*SIGH* "I know the problem son", said Jesus, "I've been trying to get
inside there for years, too".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man died and went to heaven, and was given the usual guided tour on
arrival. To his surprise, he found it to be a very relaxed, fun place to
be; not at all pious, like he'd feared; you simply did your own thing,
and no-one bothered you.
"There's just one restriction", said his guide, as they went past one part
of Heaven, that seemed to be like a large estate, surrounded on all sides
by thick bushes and trees;
"Whenever you go past here, will you be sure to be as quiet as possible;
 that's where the {Roman Catholics*} live, and they believe the're
 the only ones here".

{*substitute denomination of choice!}
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 08:50:17 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Mother's Day

Mother's Day: When you pluck the sex organs off a plant, present them to your
  mom and she says you're being thoughtful.
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 10:53:33 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <[e-mail]>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Parking

My favorite parking sign for a driver that is parked across multiple spaces:

"If you f*** like you park, I am surprised that you ever get it in!"
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 13:01:46 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Parking too close sign <looking for one>

                 PARKING
                VIOLATION

This is not a ticket, but if it were within
my power, you would receive two. Because of
  your bull headed, inconsiderate, feeble
 attempt at parking, you have taken enough
  room for a 20 mule team, 2 elephants, 1
goat and a safari of pygmies from the afri-
 can interior. The reason for giving you
this is so that in the future you may think
  of someone else, other than yourself.
Besides, I don't like domineering, egotist-
ical or simple minded drivers and you prob-
  ably fit into one of these categories.

I sign off wishing you an early transmiss-
 ion failure (on the expressway at about
 4:30 PM). Also, may the fleas of a thou-
    sand camels infest your armpits.

           WITH MY COMPLIMENTS

L8r!
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 14:53:58 CST
From:         Terry Mathias <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Colloquialisms, etc.  (one is PG)

For someone who is not all there:  . . .  one oar not in the water

About arguments:
   Don't get into a pissing contest with a skunk

   Never argue with someone who buys ink by the barrel
     or  videotape by the case     (these are used all the time by
                                    university PR staff when discussing
                                    whether or not to refute a media story)

And for someone who hasn't a clue -- esp. in extreme cases:
   . . . he's got his head up his ass looking for daylight
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 16:24:00 -0500
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      One more colloquialism...

And then, of course, are the members of our society who are from...

"...the shallow end of the gene pool."
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 20:49:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Olie and Sven (clean)

Olie and Sven are emigrating to America.  As they come through U.S.
Customers, the customers inspector says to Olie, "Now sir, in order to
emigrate to the United States, you must have a sponsor, an American spouse
or a skilled trade.  Do you have a sponsor?"

"No," says Olie.

"Do you have an American spouse?"

"No," says Olie.

"Well," says the inspector, "what do you do for a living?"

"I am a diesel fitter," says Olie.

"That's an excellent trade," says the inspector.  "Welcome to America."

The inspector then turns his attention to Sven.  "Sir," he says, "in order
to emigrate to the United States, you must have a sponsor, an American
spouse or a skilled trade.  Do you have a sponsor?"

"No," says Sven.

"Do you have an American spouse?"

"No," says Sven.

"Well, then," asks the inspector, "what do you do for a living?"

"I work on the pantyhose assembly line," says Sven.

"I'm sorry, sir," says the customs inspector.  "That's unskilled factory
labor.  I'm afraid we can't let you into the United States."

"Ah," shouts Sven, "but you let in my friend, Olie!"

"Yes," says the inspector, "but he has a *skilled* trade."

"No, no," says Sven.  "He work the same place as me, on the pantyhose
assembly line...at the end, we hold up the finished pantyhose, check them
and say, 'Yah, diesel fitter."

###

Shirl
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 21:04:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Any colloquialisms out there?

...rowing with one oar in the water.

...elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 21:09:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Colloquialisms/Similes

"Your brain would rattle around in an ant's ass the way a peanut shell
rattles around inside of a boxcar."
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 14:51:09 MDT
From:         "Ian P. Mitchell"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      StarTrek Lists - The Odd Rude Word, Nothing Too Shocking......

From:    Ian  P. Mitchell
*** Resending note of 93-05-07 14:40

Just came across this.... don't know who the authors were......
For ST fans everywhere.....

Ian
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek
--------------------------------------------------

10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned
    Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
 9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a trible.
 8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterpise.
 7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and
    torture you for information.
 6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew
while
    they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
 5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J.
    Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
 4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the
    one with Luke Skywalker?"
 3) You have no life.
 2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
 1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
    calculated for the planet Vulcan.

TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
-----------------------------------------------

10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
 2. "We brake for cubes!"
 1. "Wesley On Board!"

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship
-------------------------------
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD
-------------------------------------
20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in
   research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
   and the number one use for Data's detatched head...
1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance
   policy

SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE
------------------------------------------------------
 1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
 2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and
    tritanium.
 3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive
    thought first
 4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
 5. Have figured out the stardate system
 6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
 7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
 8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
 9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega
    Glory"
 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
 13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise
     from the Franklin Mint
 14. Understanding Klingon
 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic
     stylistics
 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in
     ST:TMP
 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers

20 Things that never happen in Star Trek
----------------------------------------
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
   encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all
   perfectly alright.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later
   turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the
   only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people
   which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another
   without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the
   Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the
   right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty
   capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which
    does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which
    they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone
    is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be
    exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately
    some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's
    satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in
    some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't
    tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out
    after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git,
and
    consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able
    to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that
    anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
21. The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon cruisers,
    but the superior firepower of federation phasers blows them into bits
    too small to find on the first shot.

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
--------------------------------------------------------
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the
    forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a
    shuttlecraft
 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
    life-forms
 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz
    is there
 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL

    Picard Maneuver"
 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral
    Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it
so"
 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams
    back up

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise
--------------------------------------------------------
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf a nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss
   them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
   destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince
   Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 16:07:06 EST
From:         DEBBIE NELSON <[e-mail]>
Subject:      T-shirt sayings

At one time or another, seen on t-shirts:

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.

Lack of sex is hazardous to your health.

Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have, the less shit
you have to eat.

Whatever can go wrong, will, and at the worst possible moment.

It used to be wine, women and song; now it's beer, the old lady and
tv.

Nobody's perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

Older women make beautiful lovers (ain't it the truth!)

Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

Only the good die young, so I'll live forever.

Old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.

Of course I'm talking to myself, who else will listen?

Sexual harrassment will not be reported; however, it will be graded.

The difference between like and love is whether to spit or swallow.

Avoid hangovers, stay drunk.

All night service.

A day without sex is like a day without sunshine.

Are we having fun yet?

A penny for your thoughts; twenty bucks if you act them out.

Be nice to me - I've had a bad day.

Be nice to me - I'm hard to replace.

Before you find the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

Sex prevents warts.

I'm beyond bitch.

Beat the system - unplug a computer.

Be reasonable - do it my way.

Custom body work - 24 hour service.

Caution: starving dieter may bite if provoked.

Conserve energy - make love slowly.

Do it today; tomorrow it may be illegal.

Don't ask me - I just work here.

Fisherman's code: early to bed, early to rise, fish like hell, and
make up lies.

Good girls go to heaven; bad girls go everywhere.

Little boy, wanna piece of candy?

Home is where you can scratch where it itches.

Hallucination in progress: please stand by.

Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over.

I'm the only hell my mother ever raised.

I only party with the best.

If you love something, let it go free; if it doesn't come back, hunt
it down and kill it.

I gave up sex, cigarettes and boose and it was the worst twenty
minutes of my life.

Everything I like to do is either illegal, immoral or busy on
Saturday night.

Ooops, time to go, TGIF!, more next week!
==========
Date:         Fri, 7 May 1993 17:56:49 -0500
From:         john hachey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      biker joke (pg)

A man was walking down the street and recognized an old biker friend
he hadn't seen in a while. He waved him over and asked how he had been.

The biker says "Oh, things are going preety well; I've gotten married"

His friend says "Oh really. So how's the sex?"

The biker replies "Pretty good; at least I don't have to stand in line"

Tada
==========
Date:         Sat, 8 May 1993 14:12:18 BST
From:         Joe Clark <[e-mail]>
Subject:      T-Shirts Adult

    My favorite T-shirt is,

I may not be able to play basketball, but I have a MAGIC JOHNSON

    My brother gave me,

Somewhere between 30 and death.

    Others are,

Terrific in dark spots

Help me I've fallen and can't reach my beer.

I'm with stupid -->

I'm the one your mother warned you about.

Never trust a woman butcher (you just have to imagine the picture to go with
this one).

Free sex, inquire above.

A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey. On the back is,
I'm no monkey.

More to follow.

==========
Date:         Sat, 8 May 1993 09:26:00 CST
From:         "Paul E. Gray" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Biology, PG-13, must have brain...

On a hospital bulletin board:
    "All must die...I plan to attach humor to the process!"
==========
Date:         Sat, 8 May 1993 10:54:47 EDT
From:         "Mr. Mark G. La Croix, Jr." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      colloq; bad word!

My boss has his head so far up his ass he needs a glass stomach to
see where he's going.
==========
Date:         Sat, 8 May 1993 10:35:45 -0500
From:         Scott Guthery <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Colloquialisms/Similes
              7 May 1993 09:59:12 -0400
<[e-mail]>

Complexion problem ...

        His face looked like a pan of frying assholes.
==========
Date:         Sat, 8 May 1993 13:22:09 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Classic misdirection questions <for kids of all ages>

What things can you never eat at breakfast?

Answer:  Lunch and supper.

Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?

Answer:  To hold his pants up.

What's the main qualification for having a military funeral?

Answer:  You must be dead.

Why does a chicken cross the street?

Answer:  To reach the other side.

If a plane flying over the border of France and Italy crashes, where do you
bury the survivors?

Answer:  One does not bury survivors.

==========
Date:         Sat, 8 May 1993 13:29:00 CST
From:         "Bob (Moo Cow) Hyland" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Classical Misdirection

>Why does a chicken cross the street?

>Answer:  To reach the other side.

How did the Baby Cross the road?

She was stappled to the chicken.

Bob H.
==========
Date:         Sat, 8 May 1993 10:15:11 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dangerfield humor <adult themes>

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the
store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole
it! I said, 'did you see the guy that did it?' She said, No,
but I got the license plate.'"

"I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said,
'Why should I, you never put out for me.'"

"I asked  her if she  enjoys a cigarette after sex. She
said..No.. one  drag is enough."

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few
drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said,
'surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel."

==========
Date:         Sat, 8 May 1993 14:01:01 -0800
From:         "Fredric L. Brown" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Natural (R)

Pin recently purchased...

        "NATURAL Insemination Done by a Trained Professional."
==========
Date:         Sun, 9 May 1993 09:12:55 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dangerfield jokes <adult themes>

"My marriage is on the rocks again. My wife just broke up
with her boyfriend."

"One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, what are you doing
that for?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'"

"I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in
the back seat!"

"Once in a restuarant I made a toast to my wife. 'The best
woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

==========
Date:         Sun, 9 May 1993 12:44:02 -0600
              <[e-mail]>
From:         YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED WHEN I KILLED YOU
-LECARRE
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sayings

His/Her face could make a train take a dirt road.

---Amy
==========
Date:         Sun, 9 May 1993 18:10:00 CST
From:         "Bob (Moo Cow) Hyland" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Some thoughts concerning education....

Never let school get in the way of your education.  -- Mark Twain

corollary:
        "We go to school to impede our education."  -- George B. Leonard

addendum:
        "Never let reality spoil a good hallucination."  -- Mark Baricevic

Drugs have taught an entire generation of
American kids the metric system.
                                -- P.J. O'Rourke
                                   Vancouver Sun, Dec. 20, 1991
==========
Date:         Sun, 9 May 1993 18:12:00 CST
From:         "Bob (Moo Cow) Hyland" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A couple of old Tyson Jokes....

        After the trial, the woman who was raped by Tyson called him.
She said, "Mike, I have good news and bad news for you."  Mike said,
"I have had all the bad news I can handle from you. What is the good news?"
She said, "You're bigger than Magic Johnson."

=== and now for something completely different ===

What is the difference between men and women?

- A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

- A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
==========
Date:         Sun, 9 May 1993 19:57:36 EDT
From:         "Mr. Mark G. La Croix, Jr." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another pope joke

Two priests were on an elevator in Vatican City trading jokes back
and forth.

The door opened just as one priest was saying "These two polocks walk
into a bar..."

Just then, John Paul II, got onto the elevator.  Turning to the
priest he said, "I caution you, father, for I am Polish."

"That's okay," the priest responded, "I'll talk real slow so you can
understand."
==========
Date:         Sun, 9 May 1993 21:17:37 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Romanian Humor 1 of 4 <some swear words>

Notes from Codrescu, Andrei (1991), *The hole in the flag: a
Romanian exile's story of return and revolution*  New York: William
Morrow. [CC Library, DR269.6.C63/1991]

Even the jokes, which had helped people weather past suffering,
became grimmer. "Is it true," a reporter asks Ceausescu, "that your
people are freezing from lack of heat?" "Yes," Ceausescu replies,
"but nobody died from that." "Is it true," insists the reporter,
"that there is no food and everyone is starving?" "It is true,"
Ceausescu says, "but nobody ever died from it." The astonished
interviewer throws up his hands. "Have you tried cyanide?" (p. 53)

In another joke it appears that at long last a citizen obtains a
gun and tries to kill the dictator (and his wife) at a mass rally.
But he misses.  "How could you possibly miss?" asks the colonel in
charge of torturing him.  "It was the crowd," the mans says, "they
kept shoving me this and that way: Shoot Him, shoot Her ...." (p.
53)  (note: Him & Her was the code expression for the Ceausescus)

(Told as a joke) "Listen, Elena (Ceausescu) went to hell and was
frying in this big old caldron.  And all this time she's screaming,
'I cannot boil or fry in anything but a golden caldron!'" (p.73)

The Finnish journalist opened a bottle of vodka. (Romanians are
talking) "I've been shouting since the revolution started," said
the brother. "I love vodka.  Don't like Russians, though...."  He
passed the bottle to Maria, who demurely refused. "They shot at us
in front the cathedral. I hope God was watching." (p. 74)

Anything was undoubtedly better than Romanian money, which
resembled toilet paper but had less value. (p. 79)

They [hotel staff] shared, no doubt with their colleagues all over
the world, the distinction of being utterly corrupt, purveyors of
thousands of small services available for a tip. In addition, they
were the heirs of a long Oriental tradition of baksheesh, a word
often translated as "tip" but implying somehow a deeper level of
servility, learned at Turkish courts while ferrying between harem
and chancellery.  The ones who grabbed my bags first were
surrounded quickly by agitated others, who looked as if they, too,
were carrying my bags, imaginary bags for which they needed to be
tipped.  Others, who seemed somehow also to be part of my retinue,
stood apparently idle though they communicated with small tremors,
winks, and hand signals that they were unreservedly at my service
in all the vast undefined realms from money speculation to
protection. :-) (p. 81)

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA (uga.cc.uga.edu)
==============
 Normal commands should be sent to LISTSERV@UGA (uga.cc.uga.edu). To
 request special assistance mail to the listowner. Contributions of
 humor should be sent to HUMOR@UGA. To control your mail send
 LISTSERV@UGA the command SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you
want to
 subscribe; SET HUMOR DIGEST if you only want to receive mail once a
 day; SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you need a timeout or if you prefer to access
 access HUMOR by downloading archived files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to
 to leave the list. HUMOR is archieved in 3000 line files; to get the
 log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA.
==========
Date:         Sun, 9 May 1993 22:39:08 -0400
From:         Ethan King <[e-mail]>
Subject:      varity of quotes  (PG) (721 lines)

Ill play with it first and tell you what it is later.
MILES DAVIS

Im hungry! Im hungry!
for good things to eat
for Sugar Jets, Sugar Jets
(whole toasted wheat)
ADVERTISEMENT

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
LUCINDA CHILDS (PHILIP GLASS: EINSTEIN ON THE BEACH)

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
HASSAN I SABBAH

Dont let your mouth write no check that your tail cant cash.
BO DIDDLEY

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
NIELS BOHR

Just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed.
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE

The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
H P LOVECRAFT

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
KEN KESEY

Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
LITTLE RICHARD

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
MAE WEST

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
SIGMUND FREUD

When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one
I've never tried before.
MAE WEST

Her life was saved by rock and roll.
LOU REED

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
J EDGAR HOOVER

Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeprody I would never
had lit one.
MAXIM OF THE HELLS ANGELS

It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
WILLIE SUTTON

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
BILLY ROSE

The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
KARL MARX

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of
it ... it would have been much better.
KARL MARX'S MOTHER

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the
largest shopping center in the world?
RICHARD M NIXON

When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
AL CAPONE

Anything anybody can say about America is true.
EMMETT GROGAN

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land
in Los Angeles.
FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT

If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
SPIRO AGNEW

If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
RONALD REAGAN

Use it up ... Wear it out.
Make it do ... Or do without.
US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE

You cant underestimate the power of fear.
TRICIA NIXON

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this
incredible jailbreak.
WAVY GRAVY

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
BUCKMINSTER FULLER

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER

You smash it - and Ill build around it.
JOHN LENNON

College isnt the place to go for ideas.
HELLEN KELLER

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns
and detective stories.
ARTHUR C CLARKE

America, how can a write a holy litany in your silly mood?
ALLEN GINSBERG

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore,
I have to beat somebody.
RICHARD M NIXON

Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
ARTHUR C CLARKE

Justice is incedental to law and order.
J EDGAR HOOVER

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
ABBIE HOFFMAN

Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
PINK FLOYD

Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still dont know what I want to be
when I grow up.
PETER DRUCKER

How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?
FIRESIGN THEATER

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
OSCAR WILDE

We are what we pretend to be.
KURT VONNEGUT, JR

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
OSCAR WILDE

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
but thats the way to bet.
DAMON RUNYON

I could prove God statistically.
GEORGE GALLUP

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
ALBERT EINSTEIN

Real wealth can only increase.
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER

Anyone can hate. it costs to love.
JOHN WILLIAMSON

In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
JOHN LILLY

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
GRAFFITI

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
ALBERT EINSTEIN

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
TALLULAH BANKHEAD

A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
GEORGE WALD

Dont lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
BURMA SHAVE

It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
always thus.
DEAN LATTIMER

Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
KEN WEAVER

We dont know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasnt a fish.
JOHN CULKIN

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have
been from you.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Please dont lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find
out the truth.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

I dont have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm me.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
hit the target.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence
without civilization in between.
OSCAR WILDE

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
ALAN COULT

If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
STANLEY GARN

The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
FATHER ROBERT F CAPON

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
RICHARD M NIXON

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER

If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitiable.
JOHN F KENNEDY

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if
it were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic."
LEWIS CARROLL

It takes a long time to understand nothing.
EDWARD DAHLBERG

To know the world one must construct it.
CESARE PAVESE

Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
BULLWINKLE MOOSE

The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
TENESSEE WILLIAMS

An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.
RENE MAGRITTE

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya dont go lookin' for rutabagas.
KINGFISH

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
M C ESCHER

Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
 If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set.

Laws of Computer Programming
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
(6) The value of a program is porportional to the
    weight of its output.
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
    programmer who must maintain it.
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
    English, and you will find that programmers cannot write
    in English.
SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
CALVIN COOLIDGE

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
PAUL ERLICH

If A equals success, then the formula is:
   A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
ALBERT EINSTEIN

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you wont either.
JOSEPH FISCHER

Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
 If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is
damn near zero.
DAVID ELLIS

Frouds Law:
 A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.

Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
 1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
 1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
J PAUL GETTY

Gilb's Laws of Reliability
(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
(3) The only difference between the fool, and the criminal who
    attacks a systrem is that the fool attacks unpredictably and
    on a broader front.
(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion
    to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they
    are used.
(6) The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system
    are the key to understanding the type of errors which they
    cannot handle.
(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
    detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
(8) All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise -
    which is impossible.
(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
    probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some
    useful work done.
TOM GILB

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
encounters needs pounding.
ABRAHAM KAPLAN

The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
ROGER LEVIAN

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)

Thoreau's Law:
 If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
doing you good, you should run for your life.

Vique's Law:
 A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
GERALD WEINBERG

Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
CONFUCIUS

Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
BOOK OF PROVERBS

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
MARK TWAIN

The unnatural, that too is natural.
GOETHE

I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
GRAFFITI

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didnt like it.
SAMUEL GOLDWYN

He hasn't one redeeming vice.
OSCAR WILDE

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
GRAFFITI

(To Walter Cronkite):
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number
of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running
up and down a street"
- Neil Armstrong -

"You doubted Me," God tells the Lawgiver [Moses], "But I forgave
you that doubt. You doubted your own self and failed to believe
in your own powers as a leader, and I forgave you that also. But
you lost faith in these people and doubted the divine possibilities
of Human Nature. THIS loss of faith makes it impossible for
you to enter the Promised Land."
- The Midrash -

" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"
- George Bernard Shaw -

"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty
without any proof"
Ashley Montague -

"Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you
come to brass tacks"
T. S. Elliot -

"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
D. B. Hudson -

"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more '
user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take
all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
Bill Gates,Pres.,Microsoft,Inc. -

Eight Things your computer won't do:
 1) It won't save you money
 2) It won't make your organization run right
 3) It won't solve every problem
 4) It won't run itself
 5) It won't always be right
 6) It won't meet all its own needs
 7) It won't protect itself
 8) It won't become obsolete
J. Makower -

Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee...
 that will do them in.

Civilization Law #1:
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
one can do without thinking about them.

Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.

"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards
upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
H. L. Mencken -

"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded
on the Christian Religion"
George Washington -

"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
 - Thomas Jefferson -

"During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
been upon trial.
What has been its fruits?
More or less, in all places,
pride and indolence in the clergy;
ignorance and servility in the laity,;
in both, superstition, bigotry,
and persecution."
 - James Madison -

"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
 - Thomas Jefferson -

"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
 - Benjamin Franklin -

"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
 - Thomas Jefferson -

"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
 - Pat Paulsen -

"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
 - Camus -

"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months
for possession of a deadly weapon!"
 - cartoon by S. Harris -

The Swartzberg Test:
 The validity of a science is its ability to predict.

"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
striving of the human race"
 - Alfred North Whitehead -

"My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of
human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly
vulnerable.... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the
frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we
do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether
or not we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to
space, because the grand, slow march of intelligence has brought
us, in our generation, to a point from which we can explore and
understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny
our history, our capabilities."
 - James A. Michener -

"What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go
to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to
build railroads across a continent? In independent thought
about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it
takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view,
the simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American
life. First, a base of technology must exist from which to do
the thing to be done. Second, a period of national uneasiness
about America's place in the scheme of human activities must
exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally,
an articulate and wise leader must sense these first three
conditions and put forth with words and action the great thing
to be accomplished. The motivation of young Americans to do what
needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of conditions....
The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John Kennedys
appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which
they, and thier young frontiersmen, will require to lead us
onward and upward."
 - Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt,Sen.,New Mexico -

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
 - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -

"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but
not its programmer"
 - Morris Kingston -

"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but
I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head"
 - George Wallace -

"You don't have to explain something you never said"
 - Calvin Coolidge -

"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
 - Bismarck -

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"
 - Everett Dirksen -

"The personal computer market is about the same size as the
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total
worldwide sales of pantyhose"
 - James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -

"I like a man who grins when he fights."
 - Winston Churchill -

"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
 - Winston Churchill -

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he
will pick himself up and carry on..."
 - Winston Churchill -

"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Saturday."
 - William Bragg -

"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
 - John W. Campbell -

"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
 - Thoreau -

Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same
damn thing over and over!

The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.

After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.

Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint
upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going
to get or how long it will last.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.

"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
thinking what no one else has thought."
 - Albert Szent-Gyorgi -

"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
 - "Oh, Lucky Man" -

I really hate this damn machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
But only what I tell it.

"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
 - Goya -

"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
the wall instead of using it"
 - Gordon R. Dickson -

"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."
 - Toynbee -

"We have met the enemy and he is us"
 - Walt Kelly (in POGO) -

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed
adultery, are now extinct."
 - M. Somerset Maugham -

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
 - Bert Lantz -

"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
 - Oscar Wilde -

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
 - Voltaire -

Ode to Turbulent Flow:
 Big whirls have little whirls
 Which feed on their velocity,
 And little whirls have lesser whirls
 And so on, to viscosity.

"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique'
to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the
ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT
OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at all
this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor
approaches the pot, he falls into the pit"
 - John C. Dvorak -

"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
 - Heisenberg -

"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
 to get adapted to my kind of fooling"
 - R. Frost -

"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
 - Ben Jonson -

                DETERIORATA
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss -- and when.

Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.

Wherever possible, put people on `HOLD'.

Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

     You are a fluke of the universe...
     You have no right to be here.
     Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
     Is laughing behind your back.
==========
Date:         Sun, 9 May 1993 18:38:56 EDT
From:         "Mr. Mark G. La Croix, Jr." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Liberal Arts Education?

Professional Growth Courses, Seminars and Educational Books

a101  Creative Suffering
a102  Overcoming Peace of Mind
a201  You and Your Birthmark
a205  Guilt Without Sex
a207  The Primal Shrug
a209  Ego Gratification through Violence
a300  Molding your Child's Behavior through Fear and Guilt
a303  Employment Opportunities for the Comatose
b100  Whine your Way to Total Alienation
b103  How to Overcome Self-Doubt through Pretense and Ostentation
b105  How I Made $100.00 in Real Estate
b201  Packaging and Selling your Child
b202  How to Convert your Automobile into something Useful
b301  Career Opportunities in Iron
b302  How to Profit from your own Body
b400  Money Can Make You Rich
b402  The Under-Achiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
c100  Tax Shelters for the Indigent
c102  How to Overcome the Handicap of a Public Education
c200  A Looter's Guide to American Cities
c202  Oriental Cooking: Over 100 Ways to Wok your Dog
c301  Sinus Drainage and Taxidermy in your Kitchen
c400  The Repair and Maintenance of your Virginity
c401  Eliminating Redundancy
d101  How to Convert your Family Room into a Garage
d104  Burglarproofing your Home with Concrete
d107  1000 Other Uses for your Vacuum Cleaner
d200  How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
d202  Christianity and Plumbing Repairs
d300  Acne, Bad Breath, and Exorcism
d401  Eliminating Redundancy
e100  The Joys of Hypochondria
e105  High Fibre Sex
e109  Suicide and Your Health
f100  Self-Actualization through Macrame
f106  Skate your Way to Regularity
f200  Understanding Nudity
f203  Tap Dance your Way to Social Ridicule
g100  Optional Body Functions
g101  Tooth Decay as a Hobby
g200  How to Draw Genitalia
g202  Needlecraft for Junkies
h100  Cuticle Grafting
h101  Gifts for the Senile
h105  How to Bonsai Your Pet
i105  Cultivating Bacteria in your Refrigerator
i200  Dealing with Post-Realization Depression
i203  How to Reach Total Boredom through Pornography and Sexual
      Fantasy
j100  Making Neighborhood Improvements with Dynamite
j105  Biofeedback and How to Stop It
==========
Date:         Mon, 10 May 1993 08:03:14 -0400
From:         Julie Mangin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      colloquial? insult

My favorite "ugly" insult came from the TV show M*A*S*H*.  Corporal
Klinger tells Sgt. Zale, "If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave his
butt and teach him to walk backwards!"
==========
Date:         Mon, 10 May 1993 09:46:36 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Listowner REMINDER (please read) & some gobbledygook, too

LISTOWNER's REMINDER (please read)

As the academic year draws to a close, many of you will be going on
holidays, summer jobs, or research junkets for some or all of the
summer months and will be out of contact with email.  If you are
planning such an excursion, please be sure to stop the flow of mail
from HUMOR to your address.

*Stopping the flow of mail while you are away, or when you leave,
will make my job of conserving HUMOR much much much easier*  :-)

Stopping the flow of mail can be achieved by sending one of the
following self-serve commands to LISTSERV@UGA (uga.cc.uga.edu):

SET HUMOR NOMAIL

SIGNOFF HUMOR

The SET NOMAIL command leaves your name on the subscription list.
Whenever you wish the flow of mail to resume, you may send the
command: SET HUMOR MAIL (or if you prefer bundled mail, SET HUMOR
DIGEST).

The SIGNOFF command removes your name from the list.  The SIGNOFF
command is the one you should use if you are closing your present
computer account. When you get a new account in the future, send
the command: SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname.

When you return, if you wish to get copies of mail that was
distributed while you were away, you can send a command GET HUMOR
LOG????? to retrive mail sent out in your absence.  Use the INDEX
HUMOR command to determine the log numbers you want to downloaded
(they are dated).

HUMOR is scheduled to operate through the end of June.  I'm
operating this list in conjunction with a Humor Seminar at Columbus
College. About mid-June I will evaluate how well the list is
operating, whether I wish to continue by duties, whether others
wish to become a co-listowners with me, and to determine through
private mail how satisfied both contributors and readers are with
HUMOR.  We have 700+ members and at least 25 regular contributors
(people who send in something at least once a week).  We have a
strong list. As long as contributors will use their subject lines
to provide sensitive, honest, and accurate disclosure of content,
I believe we will remain a happy list. I anticipate that HUMOR will
continue.  Well, until June, enough of that.

OBLIGATORY HUMOR in the form of gobbledygook (how appropriate)

terminological inexactitude. (a lie)

A piscatorial prevarication. (fish story)

The anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a
state of contraction. (kissing)

A laborious endeavor to impel a diminutive spheroid into an
exiguous aperture with inadequate instruments.
(golf)

A nomadic portion of the metamorphosed igneous or sedimentary
deposit of the Proterozoic era accumulates
no bryophytic plant life.  (A rolling stone gather no moss.)

The prudent avis which matutinally deserts the coziness of its
abode will ensnare a vermiculate creature. (The
early bird catches the worm.)

He who does not dissipate his competence by hebetudinous
prodigality will not subsequently lament an exiguous
inadequacy.  (Waste not, want not.)